Monday, July 20, 2009


No No, that’s not my IQ, I appreciate the thought though. No, I'm down to 440lbs. I started around 475, so I’ll take it, I haven’t been this skinny (Ha ha) since I was 16 or so. High Five!

At this point the best part about it is that it doesn’t really feel like a diet anymore, just the way it is. I no longer have a hard time passing on deep fried goodness or ice creamy yumness, sure I still crave it from time to time, but it’s easier.

I’ve been eating a lot of Tofu, I love slicing it thin and giving it a nice sear with some garlic and soy sauce. I even eat Tofu noodles. (The old me would punch me in the face, but I like the new me better) I usually make a big bowl of bean salad once a week and I like making an apple cucumber salad as well. Just the other night I made Mushroom tofu quesadillas, they were amazing!

So all in all the diet is going well, I'm wearing a pair of jeans that I bough a couple years ago that I was never able to wear. I have a lot more energy, which I have been putting into my relationship, cooking and some art hear and there. I’ve also been thinking about having a party when I hit 375. Have some folks over, have some weird food, it will be very hippie :)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Good News, Bad news, Funny/sick news.

Good news first (If you prefer to get bad news first, please scroll down)

I recently went and got a physical, and a bunch of blood work done (8 vials, Jesus) and I'm happy to report I'm better off than I thought. My blood pressure has normalized, I don’t have Diabetes (Thought for sure I did) and even my cholesterol is normal. I'm defiantly loosing weight and I even have access to a scale now (thanks Babe:) for about a week now, and since then I’ve lost like 7 pounds.

Bad News

My back is doing crazy things. Last Sunday I was bending over to put a plate in the dishwasher and my back freaked out, pain shooting down my leg. I think I pinched a nerve or maybe my back is adjusting because of the weight loss, I'm not sure. I'm still in some pain today, but not as bad.

Also I have been getting migraines a couple times a week. I’ve been getting migraines for years now, but they were limited to maybe 2-3 a year. Thankfully the worst part is the trippy vision issues and the residual “hangover” like effects.

Funny/Sick News

I still get pimples on my ass and they like to pop open while I'm at work and bleed through my pants…Which sucks. Just Saying…

Hopefully your not throwing up…

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A judgmental sprout

So I was in Sprouts today, which I’ve been to many times just not at this time of day. Usually I'm in there sometime after 8PM, but today I got up before work and went around 9AM.

I'm used to seeing normal everyday people (what ever that means) but this morning it was all of the hardcore, raw food only Vegans. I have no problem with Vegans; I guess I just don’t understand the ones that don’t get normal nourishment. Ones that have weird colored skin and move around really slow looking at the nutrition information of everything.

I guess a large, tattooed and pierced guy walking around with a basket full of things like Steel Cut Oatmeal, Almond Milk and Tofu really got them mad dogging me like crazy. I'm pretty sure they expended their calories for the day looking up at me from nutrition fact squares and rubber necking me while I walk around the produce (Ha Ha Aldo).

Anyway, it was just really weird.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

No Tables?

Before I start this, let me reiterate that I don’t expect society to change just because I'm fat. With that, a depressing situation that happened recently:

For most people going to a new restaurant is an exciting thing to do. New place, different décor, and new food, even if it’s a chain at least you’re happy it’s closer, or set up differently.

For me it’s usually a nerve racking experience. How busy is it going to be and is there enough room to walk between the door and my table, or am I going to have to ask every person to move their seat in? Am I going to knock whine glasses over with my large ass? Am I going to freak out and sit down at some random table and start eating their food screaming “I can’t make it any further, go on without me!!” Am I going to be able to use the restroom, well I guess I should say “fit” in the restroom?

Normal sized people don’t worry about these things…

Then there is the mother of all concerns regarding restaurants, do they have tables? Booths are like vice grips of the restaurant world. I might, might be able to squeeze into one, but even then it feels like someone is crushing my fat pillow.

So the other night I offer to take my girlfriend and her two roommates out to dinner at the new Chili’s. Should be no problem, been to a number of them, no problem. So we all meet there, all excited cause none of us have been out in awhile. Walk in, the overly cheerful high school girl asks how many, and of course I have to include “Can we have a table?”

Her response gleefully is “No I'm sorry we don’t have tables, just high tops!” (Almost as bad as booths, feels like I'm sitting with a post up my ass)

Talk about a horrible feeling, not only can everyone there here the discussion, but now I have to remark to my group that I'm sorry but I can’t eat here. I hate disappointing people. I hate being embarrassed. This is both, soul crushing.

So we still end up getting food from there and taking it home, but I just couldn’t help but feel like a waste of space, like a burden to my girlfriend and her friends, worthless. (Thankfully my GF is Awesome and wanted to punch the hostess in the face>;)

Talk about a hit in the face, a hard piece of pride to swallow, like cheap stringy meat. A reminder that my weight effects everything I do, and I'm sick of it.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sexy Back(Fat)

So I wrote this as a Parody to "Sexy Back" by Justin...Oh you know who. Sing it to the same tune, it's pretty catchy.

So here it is:

I'm bringing fat back. (yup)
All you skinny people don't know how to act. (yup)
Chris Farley was just a hack! (yup)
I even have fat on my back. (Yup)

Are you going to eat that?

I'm F-A-T (uh-huh)
Walking up stairs makes me dizzy. (uh-huh)
I'm depressed cause I'm hungry. (uh-huh)
And swimming pools make me thirsty.

I wear sheets as cloths.

Hey waitress!
Put some food in me.
My stomach is well equipped.
Put some food in me.
Ham and swiss.
Put some food in me.
Deep fried is bliss.
Lil more food in me.
Gravy dipped.
Put some food in me.
I think my pants ripped
A lot more food in me.
Roasted pork hips
Lotta more food in me.
Skinny people are a myth.

I'm bringing fat Back. (What)
I think going to have a heart attack! (yup)
When I take a shower I eat a snack. (yup)
I think there is cheese stuck on my back!


Buffet (uh huh)
My stomach works as a tray. (uh huh)
I'm also mobile shade. (uh huh)
I have no idea how much I weight..yow

Hey waitress!
Put some food in me.
My stomach is well equipped.
Put some food in me.
Ham and swiss.
Put some food in me.
Deep fried is bliss.
Lil more food in me.
Gravy dipped.
Put some food in me.
I think my pants ripped
A lot more food in me.
Roasted pork hips
Lotta more food in me.
Skinny people are a myth.

Lotta more. (oh)
You ready? (oh)
You ready? (oh)
You ready? (oh)

I'm bringing Allen Back. (yup)
I hide lunch under my arm flap. (yup)
After waking up I need a nap. (Yup)

McDonald's is back that way. (uh huh)

You Ready? (uh huh)
You ready? (uh huh)

I cannot loose weight just benching the remote. (uh huh)
I cannot loose weight just benching the remote.

Why am I so hungry? Why am I so hungry? Why am I so hungry? Why am I so hungry? Why am I so hungry? Why am I so hungry?


-Now I just need to actually make the song, Help elektrojist!

Realize Band

So have you seen those commercials for the Realize Band (Gastric Weight loss Band)? The people are saying things like:

“I want to fly to Paris.” Or “I want to do Karate with my little warrior.”

That’s all fine and dandy, and sure I can relate, like I would love to ride a rollercoaster, but the thing I don’t like is that the commercial is too nice. I mean when your fat you have a lot of anger, a lot. If the commercial were more realistic you’d have people saying things like:

“I’d like to be able to stop at one slice.”

“I’d like to be able to run down the next jerk that runs off with my Twinkie and bust their face open!”

“I’d like to buy cloths at Target, and not Sportsman’s Warehouse (No I need a 2 person tent)

“I’d like to be able to tell everyone at my next High School Reunion to fuck off.” (Guess I can do that now, but I’d like to say it with rock hard abs and ass cheek implants)

Stuff like that...

Friday, May 22, 2009


Yeah yeah, its not PC, who care bears?

Anyway the most amazing thing happened shortly into this day, I cooked the most amazing dessert I have ever had.  Ever, like me liking bacon, for ever.

The Japanana

Heat a skillet to almost high (Almost High?)
Cut up a banana and put those coins in
Sprinkle some cin-a-men and sugar on
Then drizzle some bean seaman(soy sauce, oh yeah) That's magic
Cook till the banana is soft (ahh)

You'll taste it and say "I am at the center of the universe and God is looking at me!)  Then you might cry.