So I wrote this as a Parody to "Sexy Back" by Justin...Oh you know who. Sing it to the same tune, it's pretty catchy.
So here it is:
I'm bringing fat back. (yup)
All you skinny people don't know how to act. (yup)
Chris Farley was just a hack! (yup)
I even have fat on my back. (Yup)
Are you going to eat that?
I'm F-A-T (uh-huh)
Walking up stairs makes me dizzy. (uh-huh)
I'm depressed cause I'm hungry. (uh-huh)
And swimming pools make me thirsty.
I wear sheets as cloths.
Hey waitress!
Put some food in me.
My stomach is well equipped.
Put some food in me.
Ham and swiss.
Put some food in me.
Deep fried is bliss.
Lil more food in me.
Gravy dipped.
Put some food in me.
I think my pants ripped
A lot more food in me.
Roasted pork hips
Lotta more food in me.
Skinny people are a myth.
I'm bringing fat Back. (What)
I think going to have a heart attack! (yup)
When I take a shower I eat a snack. (yup)
I think there is cheese stuck on my back!
Back
Buffet (uh huh)
My stomach works as a tray. (uh huh)
I'm also mobile shade. (uh huh)
I have no idea how much I weight..yow
Hey waitress!
Put some food in me.
My stomach is well equipped.
Put some food in me.
Ham and swiss.
Put some food in me.
Deep fried is bliss.
Lil more food in me.
Gravy dipped.
Put some food in me.
I think my pants ripped
A lot more food in me.
Roasted pork hips
Lotta more food in me.
Skinny people are a myth.
Lotta more. (oh)
You ready? (oh)
You ready? (oh)
You ready? (oh)
I'm bringing Allen Back. (yup)
I hide lunch under my arm flap. (yup)
After waking up I need a nap. (Yup)
McDonald's is back that way. (uh huh)
You Ready? (uh huh)
You ready? (uh huh)
I cannot loose weight just benching the remote. (uh huh)
I cannot loose weight just benching the remote.
Why am I so hungry? Why am I so hungry? Why am I so hungry? Why am I so hungry? Why am I so hungry? Why am I so hungry?
(yup)
-Now I just need to actually make the song, Help elektrojist!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Realize Band
So have you seen those commercials for the Realize Band (Gastric Weight loss Band)? The people are saying things like:
“I want to fly to Paris.” Or “I want to do Karate with my little warrior.”
That’s all fine and dandy, and sure I can relate, like I would love to ride a rollercoaster, but the thing I don’t like is that the commercial is too nice. I mean when your fat you have a lot of anger, a lot. If the commercial were more realistic you’d have people saying things like:
“I’d like to be able to stop at one slice.”
“I’d like to be able to run down the next jerk that runs off with my Twinkie and bust their face open!”
“I’d like to buy cloths at Target, and not Sportsman’s Warehouse (No I need a 2 person tent)
“I’d like to be able to tell everyone at my next High School Reunion to fuck off.” (Guess I can do that now, but I’d like to say it with rock hard abs and ass cheek implants)
Stuff like that...
“I want to fly to Paris.” Or “I want to do Karate with my little warrior.”
That’s all fine and dandy, and sure I can relate, like I would love to ride a rollercoaster, but the thing I don’t like is that the commercial is too nice. I mean when your fat you have a lot of anger, a lot. If the commercial were more realistic you’d have people saying things like:
“I’d like to be able to stop at one slice.”
“I’d like to be able to run down the next jerk that runs off with my Twinkie and bust their face open!”
“I’d like to buy cloths at Target, and not Sportsman’s Warehouse (No I need a 2 person tent)
“I’d like to be able to tell everyone at my next High School Reunion to fuck off.” (Guess I can do that now, but I’d like to say it with rock hard abs and ass cheek implants)
Stuff like that...
Friday, May 22, 2009
Japanana
Yeah yeah, its not PC, who care bears?
Anyway the most amazing thing happened shortly into this day, I cooked the most amazing dessert I have ever had. Ever, like me liking bacon, for ever.
The Japanana
Heat a skillet to almost high (Almost High?)
Cut up a banana and put those coins in
Sprinkle some cin-a-men and sugar on
Then drizzle some bean seaman(soy sauce, oh yeah) That's magic
Cook till the banana is soft (ahh)
You'll taste it and say "I am at the center of the universe and God is looking at me!) Then you might cry.
Enjoy
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Truck Nuts and Tofu
So this is a bit of topic, and I started this rant on facebook, but who cares.
But in a Seinfeld voice I have to ask "What's with people putting nuts on their truck?" You've seen it. Usually its like a blue sack tied to the bumper, or maybe two large nuts with a chain?!? Why does your truck need a sack? Maybe I just have some sort of perverse jealousy cause I myself have only one (Tragic Lego accident) but I don't get it at all. I guess I'm just not manly enough...
More on topic, I cooked Tofu for the first time last night. Made Curry lemon tofu lettuce wraps. Yeah its like eating brains or scrambled eggs. Could have used some bacon...
But in a Seinfeld voice I have to ask "What's with people putting nuts on their truck?" You've seen it. Usually its like a blue sack tied to the bumper, or maybe two large nuts with a chain?!? Why does your truck need a sack? Maybe I just have some sort of perverse jealousy cause I myself have only one (Tragic Lego accident) but I don't get it at all. I guess I'm just not manly enough...
More on topic, I cooked Tofu for the first time last night. Made Curry lemon tofu lettuce wraps. Yeah its like eating brains or scrambled eggs. Could have used some bacon...
Monday, May 18, 2009
Cheating while my Girlfriend is out of town.
No not like that (love you babe :), I mean on my diet...
So my Girl has been out of town since Saturday morning, and I totally cheated last night, ate almost an entire large spinach Alfredo pizza. It had bacon on it, so you can understand my weakness.
But alas it's Monday, I'm backing to eating better and meticulously tracking the calories in my iPhone, (Shameless plug)Lose It! is a great application, it lets you know how horrible I used to eat.
I love who won Survivor TokenCheese(that's how it sounds dammit). I hate turnstiles and stairs. I love Chuck's new book. I hate diabetes.
So my Girl has been out of town since Saturday morning, and I totally cheated last night, ate almost an entire large spinach Alfredo pizza. It had bacon on it, so you can understand my weakness.
But alas it's Monday, I'm backing to eating better and meticulously tracking the calories in my iPhone, (Shameless plug)Lose It! is a great application, it lets you know how horrible I used to eat.
I love who won Survivor TokenCheese(that's how it sounds dammit). I hate turnstiles and stairs. I love Chuck's new book. I hate diabetes.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
The Grand Debate-Surgery or no?
So of course I get asked all the time "Why don't you just have a gastric-bypass?" or "Hey you know lap-bands aren't as hardcore..." or "Hey can you afford a coke habit?"
Honestly I'm terrified of getting surgery, but then again I'm terrified of having a heart attack while taking a dump, or during sex (more on sex later). One of my Aunt's had Gastric-bypass, another has a lap-band. They both came through just fine, but I'm still scared. So I figure I'll start with eating better, which will hopefully led to more energy and to being able to work out without intense pain. I'm fed up with being fat though, so if I can't do the whole diet thing, I'm getting the surgery or I'll start a meth habit, cause I can't afford coke.
More awkward humor:
Sleep Apnea: To quote a portion of this semi-biographical story I'm working on:
"I wake up almost slipping off of the cold toilet seat. Don’t tell me you’ve never fallen asleep on the throne; let your mind wander to the day in front of you. The bathroom is an interesting place, who knows what most people do in there; sipping the rot gut from your flask, sniffing a finger nail of coke, throwing up your low-carb lunch, masturbating to the office secretary. So many people dash into the water closet just to sit down for a second; so many people use the bathroom to escape their kids, their boss, their nagging spouse, their life even for 20 minutes.
Myself, I fall asleep in the bathroom. I have a problem staying awake because of what they call Sleep Apnea. When your sleeping with this condition your body relaxes, your throat constricts the air to your lungs, and you begin to suffocate, your body tries to give you the easy way out because even it realizes how pathetic your life is. You might have sleep apnea because you were part of the rare few who didn’t have their tonsils removed as a child. Maybe you were lucky enough to get grandpas twisted maw, an overbite that squeezes the area oxygen travels. You might have sleep apnea because you weight 300 pounds more that you should, the fat crushing your throat when you lay down. Mark me down for all 3, a genetic care package shipped in 9 months. So now you have one of these attributes, and every night, every 3 minutes you are suffocating, your subconscious awaking you just enough that you don’t die, but not enough for you to actually remember doing so. An evening of near death experiences, un-experienced, never having that “born again” break through.
You don’t even have to ask your doctor about it, he already knows that you’re suffering from lack of energy, falling asleep driving, drifting into dreams while having conversations with uninteresting co-workers. He knows you fall asleep on the toilet, in company meetings and on dates with women out of your league. Of course he sends you to a specialist to get a monetary push back, to have a hundred wires connected to your body. After you’re wired up like a human Christmas tree, after they tell you they will be video taping your every movement, they tell you to fall asleep like you normally would. “I’m too wired to sleep” has a whole new meaning. God forbid you have to use the bathroom, or even worse, get a video recorded, wire monitored erection.
After they tell you what you already knew you’re given a breathing mask, a customized apparatus that gently forces oxygen down your through, nothing like getting orally raped by the force of life. I’ll tell you now that you can’t fall asleep with a mass of plastic strapped to your face, looking like how Darth Vader might in his Imperial Pajamas. So you continue to fall asleep sitting in your cube, nodding off at the local coffee shop, lifting and raising your head like you have nerve damage, you snore, alone, sitting in front of your home computer, the moans of a pirated porno leaking out from under the cushioned headphones."
Sorry if you can't help but hear the Narrators voice from Fight Club when you read that...
Honestly I'm terrified of getting surgery, but then again I'm terrified of having a heart attack while taking a dump, or during sex (more on sex later). One of my Aunt's had Gastric-bypass, another has a lap-band. They both came through just fine, but I'm still scared. So I figure I'll start with eating better, which will hopefully led to more energy and to being able to work out without intense pain. I'm fed up with being fat though, so if I can't do the whole diet thing, I'm getting the surgery or I'll start a meth habit, cause I can't afford coke.
More awkward humor:
Sleep Apnea: To quote a portion of this semi-biographical story I'm working on:
"I wake up almost slipping off of the cold toilet seat. Don’t tell me you’ve never fallen asleep on the throne; let your mind wander to the day in front of you. The bathroom is an interesting place, who knows what most people do in there; sipping the rot gut from your flask, sniffing a finger nail of coke, throwing up your low-carb lunch, masturbating to the office secretary. So many people dash into the water closet just to sit down for a second; so many people use the bathroom to escape their kids, their boss, their nagging spouse, their life even for 20 minutes.
Myself, I fall asleep in the bathroom. I have a problem staying awake because of what they call Sleep Apnea. When your sleeping with this condition your body relaxes, your throat constricts the air to your lungs, and you begin to suffocate, your body tries to give you the easy way out because even it realizes how pathetic your life is. You might have sleep apnea because you were part of the rare few who didn’t have their tonsils removed as a child. Maybe you were lucky enough to get grandpas twisted maw, an overbite that squeezes the area oxygen travels. You might have sleep apnea because you weight 300 pounds more that you should, the fat crushing your throat when you lay down. Mark me down for all 3, a genetic care package shipped in 9 months. So now you have one of these attributes, and every night, every 3 minutes you are suffocating, your subconscious awaking you just enough that you don’t die, but not enough for you to actually remember doing so. An evening of near death experiences, un-experienced, never having that “born again” break through.
You don’t even have to ask your doctor about it, he already knows that you’re suffering from lack of energy, falling asleep driving, drifting into dreams while having conversations with uninteresting co-workers. He knows you fall asleep on the toilet, in company meetings and on dates with women out of your league. Of course he sends you to a specialist to get a monetary push back, to have a hundred wires connected to your body. After you’re wired up like a human Christmas tree, after they tell you they will be video taping your every movement, they tell you to fall asleep like you normally would. “I’m too wired to sleep” has a whole new meaning. God forbid you have to use the bathroom, or even worse, get a video recorded, wire monitored erection.
After they tell you what you already knew you’re given a breathing mask, a customized apparatus that gently forces oxygen down your through, nothing like getting orally raped by the force of life. I’ll tell you now that you can’t fall asleep with a mass of plastic strapped to your face, looking like how Darth Vader might in his Imperial Pajamas. So you continue to fall asleep sitting in your cube, nodding off at the local coffee shop, lifting and raising your head like you have nerve damage, you snore, alone, sitting in front of your home computer, the moans of a pirated porno leaking out from under the cushioned headphones."
Sorry if you can't help but hear the Narrators voice from Fight Club when you read that...
Being fat in society
Now don't get me wrong, I don't expect society to adapt to my largeness, so don't start sending me letters, but it does make for some hilarious and awkward situations:
Public Bathrooms: Think about how small your average public bathroom stall is, talk about fat man drama. The average stall has a door that opens into the stall, so in order for me to close said door I have to straddle the toilet like a porcelain pony...Laugh, please, cause its hilarious! So once the door is closed I have to deal with sitting down. Now most people probably use one of those paper ass gaskets, but this just doesn't work for me, with all the fat rolls and crevasses on my rear, when I stand back up I'd look like a broken pinata...no beuno. So with all that I still have to deal with the toilet paper roll jabbing me in the side, its like being trapped in a smelly box.
Buffet Restaurants: "You have to pay double, you too fat for one person!" Or "You go now! You been here four hours, we have no more food!" False advertisement...
Fast Food: So how messed up is it that I feel embarrassed to order something half healthy from a fast food place, imaging the employees laughing about it "Yeah like that's for him." Or they wait for me to continue to order more "Yeah I'm sure that's all I want." Its like they aren't comfortable unless I order 6 cheeseburgers over a salad. This morning I went to Dunkin' Donuts and they have a great breakfast sandwich; egg whites, Turkey sausage, spinach, low calorie mozzarella on flat bread. Its like eating rubber on cardboard, but its good. I also wanted a coffee with just Splenda, nothing else, had to have an argument about the cream that he ended up putting in there anyway!
Children: "Mommy is that a boy or a girl?" I guess it can be confusing when I have bigger breasts than their mother.
Public Bathrooms: Think about how small your average public bathroom stall is, talk about fat man drama. The average stall has a door that opens into the stall, so in order for me to close said door I have to straddle the toilet like a porcelain pony...Laugh, please, cause its hilarious! So once the door is closed I have to deal with sitting down. Now most people probably use one of those paper ass gaskets, but this just doesn't work for me, with all the fat rolls and crevasses on my rear, when I stand back up I'd look like a broken pinata...no beuno. So with all that I still have to deal with the toilet paper roll jabbing me in the side, its like being trapped in a smelly box.
Buffet Restaurants: "You have to pay double, you too fat for one person!" Or "You go now! You been here four hours, we have no more food!" False advertisement...
Fast Food: So how messed up is it that I feel embarrassed to order something half healthy from a fast food place, imaging the employees laughing about it "Yeah like that's for him." Or they wait for me to continue to order more "Yeah I'm sure that's all I want." Its like they aren't comfortable unless I order 6 cheeseburgers over a salad. This morning I went to Dunkin' Donuts and they have a great breakfast sandwich; egg whites, Turkey sausage, spinach, low calorie mozzarella on flat bread. Its like eating rubber on cardboard, but its good. I also wanted a coffee with just Splenda, nothing else, had to have an argument about the cream that he ended up putting in there anyway!
Children: "Mommy is that a boy or a girl?" I guess it can be confusing when I have bigger breasts than their mother.
Life is a journey, not a destination…unless you get tired and have to sit down.
So here begins a documentation of my attempt at loosing weight, the humor and difficulties of living with 300lbs of extra fat.
It has been a long time coming, not really in a Ron Jeremy sense, but that its time to make changes in my life. I've been dieting since 04/21/09, counting calories, cutting fast food (mostly) and wondering if I'm loosing any weight. The average scale tells me "Err" when I step on it, maybe I should buy one for each leg??
So I make fun of myself, I've found if I do it first someone else can't, plus it just makes everyone more comfortable to be around me, not having to worry about saying something to offend me, falling down and breaking the ice. Then again I guess it makes you guard your moonpies when I'm around...
So generally I want to feel better about myself and thankfully I have a very supportive girlfriend, and in the end I hope to look damn good in a banana hammock.
Cure your boredom for a few minutes, laugh with me, cry with me, just make sure to bring along some bacon...
It has been a long time coming, not really in a Ron Jeremy sense, but that its time to make changes in my life. I've been dieting since 04/21/09, counting calories, cutting fast food (mostly) and wondering if I'm loosing any weight. The average scale tells me "Err" when I step on it, maybe I should buy one for each leg??
So I make fun of myself, I've found if I do it first someone else can't, plus it just makes everyone more comfortable to be around me, not having to worry about saying something to offend me, falling down and breaking the ice. Then again I guess it makes you guard your moonpies when I'm around...
So generally I want to feel better about myself and thankfully I have a very supportive girlfriend, and in the end I hope to look damn good in a banana hammock.
Cure your boredom for a few minutes, laugh with me, cry with me, just make sure to bring along some bacon...
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