The Grand Debate-Surgery or no?

So of course I get asked all the time "Why don't you just have a gastric-bypass?" or "Hey you know lap-bands aren't as hardcore..." or "Hey can you afford a coke habit?"

Honestly I'm terrified of getting surgery, but then again I'm terrified of having a heart attack while taking a dump, or during sex (more on sex later). One of my Aunt's had Gastric-bypass, another has a lap-band. They both came through just fine, but I'm still scared. So I figure I'll start with eating better, which will hopefully led to more energy and to being able to work out without intense pain. I'm fed up with being fat though, so if I can't do the whole diet thing, I'm getting the surgery or I'll start a meth habit, cause I can't afford coke.

More awkward humor:

Sleep Apnea: To quote a portion of this semi-biographical story I'm working on:

"I wake up almost slipping off of the cold toilet seat. Don’t tell me you’ve never fallen asleep on the throne; let your mind wander to the day in front of you. The bathroom is an interesting place, who knows what most people do in there; sipping the rot gut from your flask, sniffing a finger nail of coke, throwing up your low-carb lunch, masturbating to the office secretary. So many people dash into the water closet just to sit down for a second; so many people use the bathroom to escape their kids, their boss, their nagging spouse, their life even for 20 minutes.

Myself, I fall asleep in the bathroom. I have a problem staying awake because of what they call Sleep Apnea. When your sleeping with this condition your body relaxes, your throat constricts the air to your lungs, and you begin to suffocate, your body tries to give you the easy way out because even it realizes how pathetic your life is. You might have sleep apnea because you were part of the rare few who didn’t have their tonsils removed as a child. Maybe you were lucky enough to get grandpas twisted maw, an overbite that squeezes the area oxygen travels. You might have sleep apnea because you weight 300 pounds more that you should, the fat crushing your throat when you lay down. Mark me down for all 3, a genetic care package shipped in 9 months. So now you have one of these attributes, and every night, every 3 minutes you are suffocating, your subconscious awaking you just enough that you don’t die, but not enough for you to actually remember doing so. An evening of near death experiences, un-experienced, never having that “born again” break through.

You don’t even have to ask your doctor about it, he already knows that you’re suffering from lack of energy, falling asleep driving, drifting into dreams while having conversations with uninteresting co-workers. He knows you fall asleep on the toilet, in company meetings and on dates with women out of your league. Of course he sends you to a specialist to get a monetary push back, to have a hundred wires connected to your body. After you’re wired up like a human Christmas tree, after they tell you they will be video taping your every movement, they tell you to fall asleep like you normally would. “I’m too wired to sleep” has a whole new meaning. God forbid you have to use the bathroom, or even worse, get a video recorded, wire monitored erection.
After they tell you what you already knew you’re given a breathing mask, a customized apparatus that gently forces oxygen down your through, nothing like getting orally raped by the force of life. I’ll tell you now that you can’t fall asleep with a mass of plastic strapped to your face, looking like how Darth Vader might in his Imperial Pajamas. So you continue to fall asleep sitting in your cube, nodding off at the local coffee shop, lifting and raising your head like you have nerve damage, you snore, alone, sitting in front of your home computer, the moans of a pirated porno leaking out from under the cushioned headphones."

Sorry if you can't help but hear the Narrators voice from Fight Club when you read that...