Not much to say today...

Truck Nuts and Tofu

So this is a bit of topic, and I started this rant on facebook, but who cares.

But in a Seinfeld voice I have to ask "What's with people putting nuts on their truck?" You've seen it. Usually its like a blue sack tied to the bumper, or maybe two large nuts with a chain?!? Why does your truck need a sack? Maybe I just have some sort of perverse jealousy cause I myself have only one (Tragic Lego accident) but I don't get it at all. I guess I'm just not manly enough...

More on topic, I cooked Tofu for the first time last night. Made Curry lemon tofu lettuce wraps. Yeah its like eating brains or scrambled eggs. Could have used some bacon...

Cheating while my Girlfriend is out of town.

No not like that (love you babe :), I mean on my diet...

So my Girl has been out of town since Saturday morning, and I totally cheated last night, ate almost an entire large spinach Alfredo pizza. It had bacon on it, so you can understand my weakness.

But alas it's Monday, I'm backing to eating better and meticulously tracking the calories in my iPhone, (Shameless plug)Lose It! is a great application, it lets you know how horrible I used to eat.

I love who won Survivor TokenCheese(that's how it sounds dammit). I hate turnstiles and stairs. I love Chuck's new book. I hate diabetes.

The Grand Debate-Surgery or no?

So of course I get asked all the time "Why don't you just have a gastric-bypass?" or "Hey you know lap-bands aren't as hardcore..." or "Hey can you afford a coke habit?"

Honestly I'm terrified of getting surgery, but then again I'm terrified of having a heart attack while taking a dump, or during sex (more on sex later). One of my Aunt's had Gastric-bypass, another has a lap-band. They both came through just fine, but I'm still scared. So I figure I'll start with eating better, which will hopefully led to more energy and to being able to work out without intense pain. I'm fed up with being fat though, so if I can't do the whole diet thing, I'm getting the surgery or I'll start a meth habit, cause I can't afford coke.

More awkward humor:

Sleep Apnea: To quote a portion of this semi-biographical story I'm working on:

"I wake up almost slipping off of the cold toilet seat. Don’t tell me you’ve never fallen asleep on the throne; let your mind wander to the day in front of you. The bathroom is an interesting place, who knows what most people do in there; sipping the rot gut from your flask, sniffing a finger nail of coke, throwing up your low-carb lunch, masturbating to the office secretary. So many people dash into the water closet just to sit down for a second; so many people use the bathroom to escape their kids, their boss, their nagging spouse, their life even for 20 minutes.

Myself, I fall asleep in the bathroom. I have a problem staying awake because of what they call Sleep Apnea. When your sleeping with this condition your body relaxes, your throat constricts the air to your lungs, and you begin to suffocate, your body tries to give you the easy way out because even it realizes how pathetic your life is. You might have sleep apnea because you were part of the rare few who didn’t have their tonsils removed as a child. Maybe you were lucky enough to get grandpas twisted maw, an overbite that squeezes the area oxygen travels. You might have sleep apnea because you weight 300 pounds more that you should, the fat crushing your throat when you lay down. Mark me down for all 3, a genetic care package shipped in 9 months. So now you have one of these attributes, and every night, every 3 minutes you are suffocating, your subconscious awaking you just enough that you don’t die, but not enough for you to actually remember doing so. An evening of near death experiences, un-experienced, never having that “born again” break through.

You don’t even have to ask your doctor about it, he already knows that you’re suffering from lack of energy, falling asleep driving, drifting into dreams while having conversations with uninteresting co-workers. He knows you fall asleep on the toilet, in company meetings and on dates with women out of your league. Of course he sends you to a specialist to get a monetary push back, to have a hundred wires connected to your body. After you’re wired up like a human Christmas tree, after they tell you they will be video taping your every movement, they tell you to fall asleep like you normally would. “I’m too wired to sleep” has a whole new meaning. God forbid you have to use the bathroom, or even worse, get a video recorded, wire monitored erection.
After they tell you what you already knew you’re given a breathing mask, a customized apparatus that gently forces oxygen down your through, nothing like getting orally raped by the force of life. I’ll tell you now that you can’t fall asleep with a mass of plastic strapped to your face, looking like how Darth Vader might in his Imperial Pajamas. So you continue to fall asleep sitting in your cube, nodding off at the local coffee shop, lifting and raising your head like you have nerve damage, you snore, alone, sitting in front of your home computer, the moans of a pirated porno leaking out from under the cushioned headphones."

Sorry if you can't help but hear the Narrators voice from Fight Club when you read that...

Being fat in society

Now don't get me wrong, I don't expect society to adapt to my largeness, so don't start sending me letters, but it does make for some hilarious and awkward situations:

Public Bathrooms: Think about how small your average public bathroom stall is, talk about fat man drama. The average stall has a door that opens into the stall, so in order for me to close said door I have to straddle the toilet like a porcelain pony...Laugh, please, cause its hilarious! So once the door is closed I have to deal with sitting down. Now most people probably use one of those paper ass gaskets, but this just doesn't work for me, with all the fat rolls and crevasses on my rear, when I stand back up I'd look like a broken pinata...no beuno. So with all that I still have to deal with the toilet paper roll jabbing me in the side, its like being trapped in a smelly box.

Buffet Restaurants: "You have to pay double, you too fat for one person!" Or "You go now! You been here four hours, we have no more food!" False advertisement...

Fast Food: So how messed up is it that I feel embarrassed to order something half healthy from a fast food place, imaging the employees laughing about it "Yeah like that's for him." Or they wait for me to continue to order more "Yeah I'm sure that's all I want." Its like they aren't comfortable unless I order 6 cheeseburgers over a salad. This morning I went to Dunkin' Donuts and they have a great breakfast sandwich; egg whites, Turkey sausage, spinach, low calorie mozzarella on flat bread. Its like eating rubber on cardboard, but its good. I also wanted a coffee with just Splenda, nothing else, had to have an argument about the cream that he ended up putting in there anyway!

Children: "Mommy is that a boy or a girl?" I guess it can be confusing when I have bigger breasts than their mother.

Life is a journey, not a destination…unless you get tired and have to sit down.

So here begins a documentation of my attempt at loosing weight, the humor and difficulties of living with 300lbs of extra fat.

It has been a long time coming, not really in a Ron Jeremy sense, but that its time to make changes in my life. I've been dieting since 04/21/09, counting calories, cutting fast food (mostly) and wondering if I'm loosing any weight. The average scale tells me "Err" when I step on it, maybe I should buy one for each leg??

So I make fun of myself, I've found if I do it first someone else can't, plus it just makes everyone more comfortable to be around me, not having to worry about saying something to offend me, falling down and breaking the ice. Then again I guess it makes you guard your moonpies when I'm around...

So generally I want to feel better about myself and thankfully I have a very supportive girlfriend, and in the end I hope to look damn good in a banana hammock.

Cure your boredom for a few minutes, laugh with me, cry with me, just make sure to bring along some bacon...